What if?

So many people I know hate the "what if" questions....I do too, often. But the what if question I pose here is different. This 'what if' adjusts me; it shifts my attitude and my outlook. So perhaps it will do the same for you....and perhaps it will just show my own simplicity, idealness, and mental issues. smile.

I have always felt connected to a certain girl in the movies. She is fairly simple, seemingly a little bonkers, willing to defy the 'norm'. Her name? Alice. She dreams, and she sees things, and she follows animals simply out of curiosity. But she rises to become something. She is half crazy and yet....she is courageous and she changes her world. If you know not the Alice I speak of...it is Alice in Wonderland.

The other day, and I'm fully aware that what I'm about to tell you shows my own 'having gone round the bend' views, BUT bare with me.... The other day, I swear God told me to watch Alice in Wonderland and take notes. This was to be 'our time together' - God's and mine. Now, I love Him and I enjoy time with Him, but I can't say He has ever before requested to watch a movie with me. Nor has He asked that I 'take notes'. As I write this it makes me feel even more ridiculous but I shall embrace my weirdness. So, in some act of loopy obedience, I accepted the invitation - got out pen and paper and sat and listened and paused and wrote and chuckled...

So ~ What if then? What if I am Alice, Alice in 'Underland'? What if this is only a dream? (As a song I heard puts it: "It's only a mountain"). Don't flip out on me....Hear.... What if I have only fallen down a rabbits hole and am living on this earth as a dream? Could it be that the point of me here is to live out the dream? And perhaps there is a day designated to slay the Jabberwocky (is that how it's spelled?). I'm serious. What if I am meant to stand forward for the 'White King' and fight to redeem those lost to the 'Red Kingdom'? If it is 'just a dream' ~ I get to choose it.

Alice knew the day she was to slay the Jabberwocky, but she didn't get to see the day after on the calendrum. So she did not know if she would indeed win. She did not get to slay the Jabberwocky with someone beside her - she had to choose to do it 'alone'. (This word has taken on so much more meaning to me than ever before.) Alice turned and faced the Bandersnatch because it was 'only a dream'. She was told she was the 'wrong Alice' or 'hardly Alice' many times. She had to figure out who she was, and find courage to do what she would. She had people who loved her and supported her but still, there was an 'aloneness' to her slaying the seemingly undefeatable enemy.

So then....my what if is this: What if YOU are Alice?
          What if I am Alice? What if we are in a dream -
                    having simply 'fallen' into a hole in order to be
                              the one who slays the enemy?

IF this is only a dream. IF I am Alice and meant to be here - with the Mad Hatter and others who have lost their marbles, after all, only the best people have... IF I am here to step forward for MY KING and slay the evil and FREE the captives in the 'red kingdom'.....

                               PERHAPS I should GET TO IT.

Can you see how this 'what if' can shift my attitude? I really don't wanna wait around and mope and get stuck in my own pain. I am Alice - I have a Jabberwocky to slay. I have a dream to live. I have a Kingdom to stand for and a captive to save. I don't know the outcome. I don't get to see the day after Frabjis Day.... I do get to make MY choice....even if it means I am alone. It's only a dream - which means reality comes eventually. It means it's temporary. It means - I am not in danger, after all, if I die....? That's not so bad. smile. So then I can be brave and bold and purposeful in this dream I find myself in. It's MY dream....

I ~ am Alice, having 'gone round the bend'....and finding my way to Frabjis Day...

May you embrace 'what if I am Alice' for your own. Just to instill intention....

Get to it, my dear one.....you are not meant to waste away this dream.

Lemons, Crap, and Trust

I recently saw a card that was simple, profound, hilarious, unexpected, inappropriate....and yet....so applicable. I laughed out loud standing there alone, which always makes one feel proud. Inappropriate as it may be I will share it here - because I can. smile.

It was a picture of a rather simple 'barren in the department of boobies' woman. Is that clear? She was flat chested. The words under the picture were the simple addage, "When life gives you lemons". And the flat chested woman was holding one in each hand. You open the card and, TA-DAH!, the woman is no longer holding lemons but they are 'discreetly' tucked into her dress. The lemons had become her answer to being flat chested.

How does this even begin to open my note for this week? I shall share. Before I begin.... This blog is not meant to be a pity party, a whining session, nor a desire to gain more sympathy, tears, or 'I'm sorry's'. There will be memories in it about Brooklyn. There will be sad moments recorded in its' pages. But my intention within is to process through things, share my journey, and hopefully, in my own writing, learn and see things about myself. This is somewhat a 'selfish' blog. It is for me. Though in my process I sincerely desire to be real and honest, and in THAT, I hope the writing impacts those who read to press them to LIVE....not just survive.

We all know the saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" and the many varieties of that phrase as well. My life has had bumps and bruises before but compared to the blow it received on June 3, 2012 my life had been like Disneyland. (Maybe not quite that fun but...you get it.)

I don't think I can legitimately call this 'life giving me lemons'. Many other descriptions I would choose to apply but lemons would NOT be an accurate analogy! Distinct types of rotten crap, smells of burning carcasses, etc...I could describe it with these...not lemons. None the less, the question I have hanging over my head daily is, "What now?" What will I do, what will I not do, HOW?

I have never dealt with death - not like this. Grandparents of whom I have not been close to, distant other relatives, but no one so close. I'm in way over my head here. I have not gone thru grief, don't know what I should/shouldn't do. And more than anything....

 I don't know HOW.

 

People love me and give advice, for which I am truly grateful. But it is a process and a very personal one. Even those who give advice ultimately say, 'You have to get through it the way you need to. Nobody can tell you how. Embrace the grief. Don't move on too fast. Journal, cry, take walks, pray, talk, even laugh, etc.' All true. All good. Having done this now for nearly 3 months the pain is yet ever present. I know - it's 3 months, not even. 'Give yourself time.' So...the journey is that...a journey. I like winging it in life - would like a diagram, outline, and time frame to do this. Nope. Not an option.

 

My ONE answer.... Trust.

Keep getting up.

Keep living life. ...and Trust.

Persist in building other relationships.

Write.

Find at least one thing to laugh at every day.

...TRUST.

 

TRUST - reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, and surety of a person or thing.

 

This has become my mantra. It's what I have, what makes sense and has some practical application. What does that look like? When I feel the hole, the seering, burning, pain, and the feeling as though my own being has died...I run to Him. I ask for the Comforter to once again hold me. I imagine myself crawling into my Lover's lap. I lay my head on His chest and I let Him remind me of His heart towards me - to care, to weep with me, to hold me while it hurts. And when the tears stop, just end for that time, I remind Him of HIS words to me.... 

 

"Jesus, You said, I don't need to fear or be afraid because You would walk with me through the fires, You would carry me through the waters, You would turn EVERYTHING for my good because I love you, You have sent me a Comforter, things will be BETTER than before. You said I am strong, I can do this. And because You have not lied to me, I will trust you."

 

And then I believe Him, I trust, I rely on His integrity, His strength, His ability to help me and get me through it all. I am SURE He will prove Himself. He will come through. He will help me. And I wait and watch and expect.

 

One last thing: according to Quantum Physics we are literally an electromagnetic field - we draw towards ourselves what we believe about ourselves and expect. This is why the expectation factor is so huge.

 

So from here on when people ask me how I am (referring to my Brooklyn and missing her) my response?

 

TRUSTING...

 

Maybe you will try it?

What are you expecting?

What is it you are drawing to yourself?

May you find peace in the midst of whatever circumstance you find yourself, and may trust become your closest Ally.