Lemons, Crap, and Trust

I recently saw a card that was simple, profound, hilarious, unexpected, inappropriate....and yet....so applicable. I laughed out loud standing there alone, which always makes one feel proud. Inappropriate as it may be I will share it here - because I can. smile.

It was a picture of a rather simple 'barren in the department of boobies' woman. Is that clear? She was flat chested. The words under the picture were the simple addage, "When life gives you lemons". And the flat chested woman was holding one in each hand. You open the card and, TA-DAH!, the woman is no longer holding lemons but they are 'discreetly' tucked into her dress. The lemons had become her answer to being flat chested.

How does this even begin to open my note for this week? I shall share. Before I begin.... This blog is not meant to be a pity party, a whining session, nor a desire to gain more sympathy, tears, or 'I'm sorry's'. There will be memories in it about Brooklyn. There will be sad moments recorded in its' pages. But my intention within is to process through things, share my journey, and hopefully, in my own writing, learn and see things about myself. This is somewhat a 'selfish' blog. It is for me. Though in my process I sincerely desire to be real and honest, and in THAT, I hope the writing impacts those who read to press them to LIVE....not just survive.

We all know the saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade" and the many varieties of that phrase as well. My life has had bumps and bruises before but compared to the blow it received on June 3, 2012 my life had been like Disneyland. (Maybe not quite that fun but...you get it.)

I don't think I can legitimately call this 'life giving me lemons'. Many other descriptions I would choose to apply but lemons would NOT be an accurate analogy! Distinct types of rotten crap, smells of burning carcasses, etc...I could describe it with these...not lemons. None the less, the question I have hanging over my head daily is, "What now?" What will I do, what will I not do, HOW?

I have never dealt with death - not like this. Grandparents of whom I have not been close to, distant other relatives, but no one so close. I'm in way over my head here. I have not gone thru grief, don't know what I should/shouldn't do. And more than anything....

 I don't know HOW.

 

People love me and give advice, for which I am truly grateful. But it is a process and a very personal one. Even those who give advice ultimately say, 'You have to get through it the way you need to. Nobody can tell you how. Embrace the grief. Don't move on too fast. Journal, cry, take walks, pray, talk, even laugh, etc.' All true. All good. Having done this now for nearly 3 months the pain is yet ever present. I know - it's 3 months, not even. 'Give yourself time.' So...the journey is that...a journey. I like winging it in life - would like a diagram, outline, and time frame to do this. Nope. Not an option.

 

My ONE answer.... Trust.

Keep getting up.

Keep living life. ...and Trust.

Persist in building other relationships.

Write.

Find at least one thing to laugh at every day.

...TRUST.

 

TRUST - reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, and surety of a person or thing.

 

This has become my mantra. It's what I have, what makes sense and has some practical application. What does that look like? When I feel the hole, the seering, burning, pain, and the feeling as though my own being has died...I run to Him. I ask for the Comforter to once again hold me. I imagine myself crawling into my Lover's lap. I lay my head on His chest and I let Him remind me of His heart towards me - to care, to weep with me, to hold me while it hurts. And when the tears stop, just end for that time, I remind Him of HIS words to me.... 

 

"Jesus, You said, I don't need to fear or be afraid because You would walk with me through the fires, You would carry me through the waters, You would turn EVERYTHING for my good because I love you, You have sent me a Comforter, things will be BETTER than before. You said I am strong, I can do this. And because You have not lied to me, I will trust you."

 

And then I believe Him, I trust, I rely on His integrity, His strength, His ability to help me and get me through it all. I am SURE He will prove Himself. He will come through. He will help me. And I wait and watch and expect.

 

One last thing: according to Quantum Physics we are literally an electromagnetic field - we draw towards ourselves what we believe about ourselves and expect. This is why the expectation factor is so huge.

 

So from here on when people ask me how I am (referring to my Brooklyn and missing her) my response?

 

TRUSTING...

 

Maybe you will try it?

What are you expecting?

What is it you are drawing to yourself?

May you find peace in the midst of whatever circumstance you find yourself, and may trust become your closest Ally.